What To Say...

Brian, help me out. What do you do when your life's so chaotic that you don't know what to blog about? It's hard to funnel these events in my life to produce some sort of moral or cohesive story at al. I just feel lost in my own life's happenings. It's all too much.

Well I'm having trouble filter it out, so I'll try to say it all.

School - My schoolwork's taking a hit because of my disorganization, and my absolute loathing of Algebra II. I'm going to have to pull out some serious studying for finals if I want to salvage myself. My interactions with my friends and acquaintances are changing rapidly, and I'm not sure how to react. Old friends suddenly start to look like trash, and bare acquaintances show an incredible person. Through it all, I find myself much more understanding than anybody in the school. I hear sharp, harsh 'shut ups' thrown around all the time to outsiders, and I hate it. I can't even remember the last time I said that and meant it seriously.

Music - The new piano lessons are going great. Did I mention? I may not have. I have a new teacher. Really cool dude. In contrast, the band is attempting a concert, but we are botching it terribly, and at this point, I dread that the thing will fail entirely - it won't happen, or won't be very good. Apart from that, I'm getting gigs weekly now, and it has had a profound affect on my life. Suddenly I work part-time (sort of). My income for a month has doubled. But on the other end of that, I'm spending a lot more on music as well - Save For Rachel is in final production stages, but with all the money by now that I've spent on CDs and cases and production in general, I'll have to sell at least ten albums to make up for my losses. Let me just say, I had better sell more than ten albums. If you're interested in receiving one, I will be selling them next week at school, and extras at any of my gigs (5 dollars a pop). If you're just a blog reader and interested, leave a comment and I'll try to figure something out. I'm still trying to get a band together...

Confirmation - I'm getting confirmed this coming Monday. I'm not sure what to think - my morality right now is still tossed about. I feel like I'm making progress, but I am so, so unsure of everything in life right now. Maybe this will help me find my way again. But I'm not sure it will.

I'm sure there's more to say, but there's too much too say to bother saying it. And if anybody knows how to upload mp3's to a blog, please, please leave a comment.

A Warning

I don't think I'll be talking about my late Dad much. I'm not trying to just move on, or whatever, I just don't really want to write about it, or I feel like I lack the eloquence to do it. So when you see new posts that make it seem like I'm just fine, it's not because I'm over it, it's just that I don't want to write about him. It still haunts me, but I knew it would. So I'm just warning you. Besides, my uncle is doing a much better job of writing about Gary than I ever could have done... (Switch2planb.com)

Requiem

When I came home Monday, Dad was unresponsive, laying there, in the hospital bed we had moved into the bedroom a week earlier. A priest was standing over Dad as I walked in, speaking some sort of blessing over him. I joined my family around him. Tears flowed freely as we realized how close our dear father was to death.

Over the course of the day, Dad miraculously sustained somewhat stable conditions while family and friends arrived at house. Mom's friend Beth, and Gary's father, Don. Dad survived the night, but remained unresponsive and of declining, hopeless health. By the end of the next day, Uncle David, Uncle Brian, Uncle Jeff, Aunt Kim, and Aunt Amy, as well as a few of their spouses. We convened in Dad's bedroom, sitting by him, standing watch.

His whole family was there in the house.
His wife, laying next to him on the hospital bed, squeezed up against the metal bars.
His siblings, scattered around the bedroom, or throughout the house helping.
His dad, sitting solemnly in the armchair.
His kids, kissing him goodnight and sleeping on the floor to be near to him.
Even his dog Yogi was there, sitting vigilantly next to him on the bed.

A hospice nurse came by, and estimated that he could last a couple of days. By Wednesday, Mom began to prepare us, telling us she anticipated Dad's death sometime that night. But he held on.

By Thursday, Gary's vitals were decreasing. Not shocking, but an ominous sign of his imminent death. Mom, with more certainty this time, told us Dad would probably die during the night. But he held on.

On Friday, a chaplain from St. Luke's came by and prayed a blessing over Dad. Mom cried silently into Dad's shoulder. The chaplain left. And suddenly, Dad's breathing became astoundingly shallow. Mom called us over, intuiting her husband's last moments. His kids came to him and held his hand, whispering "I love you, Dad"s as Gary passed away.

It was no surprise, really, to anybody.

Somehow I thought that would soften the blow.

It didn't.

The problem here is that this is more than the death of a father, or a husband, or a brother, or a son. It's so much more. Words fail to explain it.

(to be continued?)

My Existential Halloween

Damn you Brian.

It was only a matter of time before your existential angst spread to somebody else.

Spread to me.

So when I found myself in the school chapel this Halloween, while the dance raged on just a room away, I knew who I got it from.

Thanks a lot.

Anyhow, after playing some music at the game, I did go to the dance. But it's a different animal these days than it was freshmen year. It's not that the dances have changed all that much, but I broke up with Emma a while back, and now I go to the dances without a date.

Which should be fine, but look at the dances! Essentially it's just one big massive pit of students, nearly all of them 'grinding'. Which is fine and good fun and all when you've got a date, but what about when you don't? You have to work your way through the crowd looking for somebody to dance with. Which isn't easy at all.

I still manage to have fun at the dances, most of the time. But something ticked inside me last night and I sat down in the chapel a room away, deep in existential angst. Wishing things about my faith and religion... Wishing things about my ambitions... about my grades....

And wondering quite a bit whether there's a girl out there for me. A true soulmate. I'm really, really weird. I fear that there just isn't a girl that would complement me perfectly. That there really isn't anybody like me out there....

My love-life's kind of a mess, but I'll get into that later....

Drama Indeed

I feel like I don't have anything to write about most of the time, but there are some reasons behind that. One, I really am quite busy. I joined the play again, and so now I'm at school until six practicing every weekday. And the sophomore schoolwork isn't getting any easier. So it leaves me with very little time.

But I think a second, more interesting reason that I haven't been writing lately is because I've become quite numbed to the day-to-day drama that I used to be able to write about. But now it just doesn't seem interesting. That's not to say that there haven't been interesting things happening. How could I have not told all of you that my parents just got back from a cruise in Alaska, and that they were gone for a week? How could I have not told you about asking a junior out to homecoming and getting turned down (in my defense, she already had a date)? How could I have not told you about writing a song for a biology presentation? How could I not have told you about my older brother Michael, who recently started his own blog so he could write about his studying abroad? How could I not have told you about my uncle Brian's so called "intervention" for existential angst? How people keep putting games on the Bishop Kelly shared drive on my files? Or how I'm still working on Mondays, and just finished typing chapter 7? Or how I've already arranged/wrote two songs for the Bishop Kelly Band (one was Bittersweet Symphony, and the other was a "One Tin Soldier" Cover I wrote myself)? Or how I'm devising plans for another run for school president, involving the revival of the USJ and a musical performance for the speech? How I found (or rather how it found me) a way to save up basically all of my monthly allowance? How I honestly suspect that I've been subject to identity theft this month? How I heard about and found the entrance to Gnome-land (Bishop Kelly students, if you don't get this one, try asking around, you may be surprised)? And how I'm still trying to get together a functional band amidst all the chaos of my day-to-day life?

Shame on me.

You could say I'm taking for granted the randomness of life. I ought to think more about how lucky I am to be so strange and do so many things. By the way I've been posting, you'd think my life was dull.

Dull! Ha!

I laugh at the thought of me having a dull life. I have always tried to make my life exciting. And with a few exceptions in the long stretch of summer, I have always succeeded.

So look forward to some more regular posting from now on. Of course, if you do get bored, you can always switch 2 plan b...

Pictures from VHL Stock!

Right Here.

I hope this will give some people an idea what it was like.

VHL-Stock

Let me start by saying something: there is no magic but music, and there is no magic like music. I came to VHL-stock expecting to learn that, and sure enough, I did.

As many of you know, I flew in to Los Angeles on Saturday with my aunt Amy. Unfortunately, we ended up missing our direct flight to Los Angeles and had to go through Seattle. And then the rental car took hours to get. I finally was able to go to bed at around two in the morning. It was a long, long trip.

But the trip was worth it. In the morning I got up early and had some breakfast and I practiced with the band. The band consisted of Uncle David (Calvin's Dad on the drums), Uncle Brian (guitar), my cousin Calvin (guitar), Nick (keyboard and guitar), and Wes (6-string electric bass). I really never knew music could sound quite that good. I was lucky to be part of it.

As the day progressed and practice ended, we started setting up lights and equipment for the event. In case you don't know, VHL-stock was a fundraiser for the VHL foundation. VHL stands for Von-Hippel-Lindau syndrome, a rare disease that leaves the affected person(s) especially susceptible to tumors on the eyes and adrenal glands. Unfortunately, Calvin has it. When he found out, he decided to be active and put together this fundraiser-music event thing to raise money for the VHL Foundation. Just about the whole family showed up. Aunt Kimmi even pulled a few strings to get the event sponsored by Activision.

The music, as I've said, was incredible, and the whole event was really inspirational and a fun time. And for me it was the end of the summer. I went out with a bang having an incredible musical experience with my family.

So I'd just like to say, Thank you Brian, Thank you Uncle David, and Thank you Calvin. I'm so glad we got the chance to do this. I hope to see you guys again soon!

The Good, The Bad, and Brian

The Good: Well everybody I finally made it back from Camp Orkila in the San Juans, and I had a great time! We went on a six-day kayak trip, circumnavigating Orcas Island and staying at an assortment of the islands scattered throughout the San Juans. Probably the best two weeks of my life, although I don't really count my life by groups of two weeks, so I guess I can't say that but. But it was still pretty incredible. All the people in my cabin were smart friendly people who I hit it off with, and the counselors were the best-funnier than hell too. The highlight of the week was playing an island-wide game of capture the flag on Doe Island, and island that had the absolute best beaches for climbing. It was so fun. So good.

The Bad: When you play with water, you get doused. And that sort of thing isn't good for electronics. What I'm getting at here is that my camera is broken, and I have no way to upload the pictures I did take. Mom warned me but I put it on the kayak anyway. Oh well. I'm sure I'll figure out something.

Brian: So I got back home Thursday, but guess what? I'm leaving Friday for Los Angeles! Brian and Calvin have put together a fundraiser/music event called VHL-stock. All proceeds go to the VHL foundation. VHL is a rare cancer-related disease that Calvin unfortunately has. It leaves him especially susceptible to tumors on his eyes and adrenal glands. He has in fact already had two delicate operations to get two removed. And so he's putting together a fundraiser for the cure. So anyway, I'm coming down to LA to help them out, even sit in for a couple of songs! It will be really cool. If you're reading this and happen to live in the LA area, I would suggest going.

VHL-Stock
An evening of dessert, wine, and music
featuring Calvin Cieslak
Saturday, August 16th 7:00 p.m.
23515 Hatteras St. Woodland Hills
An event to benefit the
VHL Family Alliance Cancer Research Fund
http://www.vhl.org/

The Situation With Dad

It starts with a Dance.
What makes it worse about Gary is just what a man he is.
If ever there were saints, he's one of them.
If ever there were scholars, he's one of them.
If ever there were good fathers, he's one of them.
And if ever there was true love... Gary and Mitzi have it.

So it's really quite tragic to see him diminished to what he is now - speech is incredibly difficult for him, and he has trouble moving around.

I will never forget that week under the maple tree with friends and family, near and distant, all come together to toast to Gary, the man they all know and love dearly.

So a toast! To Gary! A good Father. A good Husband. A good Doctor. And a Saint.

My Avuncular Friend Brian

Well my avuncular friend came to visit last week, mostly to visit Gary and help out our family. While he was there, he was a big help - he drove me to school, helped with the dishes, took Gary to therapy, and more. He was a big help to say the least.

And of course it's always interesting to see my Uncle Brian. He's just such a character. Having a conversation with him is truly like a battleground. He plays with words and cynicism and humor like no other man I know can. It's... inspiring.

Brian, you know what I'm talking about.

Smartass....

Anyway, I just want to give a shoutout - Thank you Brian! You have helped so much more than you needed to and you've helped the family so much. You are welcome anytime at our household and you know that we love to see you. No promises about the roof though...

May

Some of you are probably wondering why I haven't written in so long. It's been ten days since my last May post. Here's the thing - it's not easy anymore. It's becoming especially more difficult to blog, what with very limited computer use both at school and at home, not to mention the things piling up on my plate right now. When it comes down to it, it can be listed like this:

An upcoming concert and a broken instrument

An unfortunate breakup

A fiddler on the roof

That fiddler in an in-school suspension

My avuncular friend, Brian

A story that needs finishing

Finals, essays, tests, and grades

And... a less than ideal situation at home with Gary.

With any luck, I will get to tell you all of these stories. My life hasn't stopped, but I haven't been fortunate enough to put my life down on the computer screen yet. I apologize for the absence. Keep reading though. My story's far from over...

100th Post!

Well everyone, here it is. My 100th post.

I don't know what to say here. I'm glad I've made it this far. I don't want to act like I've just gotten an award or something, I just want to say thanks to all of the people that kept me blogging.

Thanks!

Well, 100 posts, that's quite a milestone to pass. I've been aiming for it ever since I started. Every single one of my posts has the label alcatraz014 so that you can easily see just how many posts I've done. And now I'm finally in the triple-digits. I wonder, in seven or so years, will I be celebrating my 1000th post? Who knows?

At any rate, I'm really glad for all of my readers, so thanks Brian. Thanks Calvin. Thanks Silver. Thanks Bronte. Thanks Zack. Thanks Micheal. Thanks Seth Remling. Thanks all of you at BK who occasionally read me in your Computer Apps while you're trying to get to my game links. Thanks to all of you.

And to celebrate this, I am finally registering myself a domain. I will now be Therandomnessoflife.com!

Well I guess I'll just keep blogging now that I've made it this far. Keep reading!