Sanctuary From Change

Sitting here at the computer these nights, I wonder if I'm in my own world. Everything upstairs and outside seems so distant, it's like I could be stuck alone in this one place forever.

It's not just there though. I get that feeling other places too. Sometimes in my room, or in the car. There's this strange feeling that maybe I won't be able to get out, and this'll be the last place I ever spend time again.

You may be thinking that this is strange, but not so if you think about it. There are people who lock themselves up in a house all the time. Recluses. Hermits. Their lives are confined to a single space. Things don't change for them.

I can almost understand why people choose this way of life. The world is a scary thing. Things and people change. And change is hard. Why not try to block out the change, and make your life a ritual?

I think we all do this to an extent - We keep something in our life that we can always count on to be the same, or something that we try to keep the same. We make habits, and items, as a sanctuary from change.

For example, I've talked about my bracelets before. This one on my right wrist has been on for years now, and the one on my left wrist was on for almost a year as well. I kept them on constantly.

But now one of them is gone.

I'm not going to explain how it happened, but the bracelet on my left wrist is gone. Maybe this shouldn't matter, but it does. Those bracelets were a part of me. They stayed with me through it all - the thick and the thin, the joy and the sorrow, all of my experiences from the past years. If you could see their history, you could see me change and grow.

These two things have become two of the most spiritual things in my life. I kissed them on occasion for good luck, and before major milestones in my life. Hell, I kissed them before I got confirmed. And one of them is gone. Emotionally, it's like all those stories are gone, and I miss all the sentiment of having both of them. Physically I can actually feel that it's gone. My body's gotten so used to having these things on, and now it almost seems to miss them.

Am I being silly? I can't tell. Should it hurt like this, when you lose a sanctuary?

What To Say...

Brian, help me out. What do you do when your life's so chaotic that you don't know what to blog about? It's hard to funnel these events in my life to produce some sort of moral or cohesive story at al. I just feel lost in my own life's happenings. It's all too much.

Well I'm having trouble filter it out, so I'll try to say it all.

School - My schoolwork's taking a hit because of my disorganization, and my absolute loathing of Algebra II. I'm going to have to pull out some serious studying for finals if I want to salvage myself. My interactions with my friends and acquaintances are changing rapidly, and I'm not sure how to react. Old friends suddenly start to look like trash, and bare acquaintances show an incredible person. Through it all, I find myself much more understanding than anybody in the school. I hear sharp, harsh 'shut ups' thrown around all the time to outsiders, and I hate it. I can't even remember the last time I said that and meant it seriously.

Music - The new piano lessons are going great. Did I mention? I may not have. I have a new teacher. Really cool dude. In contrast, the band is attempting a concert, but we are botching it terribly, and at this point, I dread that the thing will fail entirely - it won't happen, or won't be very good. Apart from that, I'm getting gigs weekly now, and it has had a profound affect on my life. Suddenly I work part-time (sort of). My income for a month has doubled. But on the other end of that, I'm spending a lot more on music as well - Save For Rachel is in final production stages, but with all the money by now that I've spent on CDs and cases and production in general, I'll have to sell at least ten albums to make up for my losses. Let me just say, I had better sell more than ten albums. If you're interested in receiving one, I will be selling them next week at school, and extras at any of my gigs (5 dollars a pop). If you're just a blog reader and interested, leave a comment and I'll try to figure something out. I'm still trying to get a band together...

Confirmation - I'm getting confirmed this coming Monday. I'm not sure what to think - my morality right now is still tossed about. I feel like I'm making progress, but I am so, so unsure of everything in life right now. Maybe this will help me find my way again. But I'm not sure it will.

I'm sure there's more to say, but there's too much too say to bother saying it. And if anybody knows how to upload mp3's to a blog, please, please leave a comment.