What To Say...

Brian, help me out. What do you do when your life's so chaotic that you don't know what to blog about? It's hard to funnel these events in my life to produce some sort of moral or cohesive story at al. I just feel lost in my own life's happenings. It's all too much.

Well I'm having trouble filter it out, so I'll try to say it all.

School - My schoolwork's taking a hit because of my disorganization, and my absolute loathing of Algebra II. I'm going to have to pull out some serious studying for finals if I want to salvage myself. My interactions with my friends and acquaintances are changing rapidly, and I'm not sure how to react. Old friends suddenly start to look like trash, and bare acquaintances show an incredible person. Through it all, I find myself much more understanding than anybody in the school. I hear sharp, harsh 'shut ups' thrown around all the time to outsiders, and I hate it. I can't even remember the last time I said that and meant it seriously.

Music - The new piano lessons are going great. Did I mention? I may not have. I have a new teacher. Really cool dude. In contrast, the band is attempting a concert, but we are botching it terribly, and at this point, I dread that the thing will fail entirely - it won't happen, or won't be very good. Apart from that, I'm getting gigs weekly now, and it has had a profound affect on my life. Suddenly I work part-time (sort of). My income for a month has doubled. But on the other end of that, I'm spending a lot more on music as well - Save For Rachel is in final production stages, but with all the money by now that I've spent on CDs and cases and production in general, I'll have to sell at least ten albums to make up for my losses. Let me just say, I had better sell more than ten albums. If you're interested in receiving one, I will be selling them next week at school, and extras at any of my gigs (5 dollars a pop). If you're just a blog reader and interested, leave a comment and I'll try to figure something out. I'm still trying to get a band together...

Confirmation - I'm getting confirmed this coming Monday. I'm not sure what to think - my morality right now is still tossed about. I feel like I'm making progress, but I am so, so unsure of everything in life right now. Maybe this will help me find my way again. But I'm not sure it will.

I'm sure there's more to say, but there's too much too say to bother saying it. And if anybody knows how to upload mp3's to a blog, please, please leave a comment.

Saving Up

I've managed to spend virtually nothing all this month. And it's almost December. Which means, with my $100/month allowance, I'm going to have $200 Dec. 1st. The reason for me saving up like this is that I plan to get my little brother, Andy, something special for Christmas.

I've got it all in twenties. It makes me reluctant to spend any of it, which is a good thing. Anyway, the other day there was a jean day at my school. Kids got to wear jeans so long as they gave a dollar. The money went towards someone in Oregon who had recently lost a 5 - month old child. I would have, and seriously considered donating towards it, but that meant I would have to break a twenty, which I was reluctant to do. So, I skipped it.

Bad move. Later that day, a girl called me out on it, angry that I hadn't donated money. I thought it was pretty ridiculous that she was getting mad at me, but I did feel bad. So, when somebody offered me a couple of dollars to do some Algebra homework for him, I agreed. Later I gave donated the money towards the cause.

Moral of the story is that there is no black and white as far as morality concerned. The whole day was a gray area for me. I wonder, if higher powers ever examine my life and look at that day, will they figure that I did right, or that I did wrong?

Spinning

Well I'm not sure what caused it or why it's happening, but I seem to be spinning through the summer, losing all sense of morality and direction. I wish I knew why, or at least how to fix it, but I have no idea how to cope with this. It just seems that the voices that usually guide me to do the right thing are gone. And I'm lost without them.

As for what caused it, it may or may not be the summer mindset. Summer is what every student looks forward to for the entirety of the school year, and it tends to disappoint. But how can it not? I mean I here my friends telling me that there summer is lame even though they seem to be spending all of their time with friends and not working. They, like me, have a feeling there ought to be something more to summer. It's supposed to be the ultimate vacation, the ultimate party.

I'm not saying that this viewpoint is valid or reasonable or any of those things, but it does tend to be what teenagers think of the summer. It's hard to quell that feeling that you're missing something in the summertime. The only time it doesn't seem to bubble up and vocalize is when they're actually living up to their expectations for the moment. So at a party they won't complain, but once the party's over, it won't be long until the sensation rises up again.

Part of this feeling makes some people feel not obliged to work, when in reality, they should. I know that I never feel like doing chores or cleaning up in the summer, even if it's the last thing on the world to do. This problem plagues me in particular, and I'm beginning to wish I had my old work ethic back. It wasn't a great one but it was at least semi-functional. This one's not functional at all.

As for morality, I don't know what's going on. All I know is that I'm gonna have to fix it soon, because summer's not even close to done, and I can't go on like this...

Norms of Society

I am not normal. I'm sure most of you have realized this by now. And on top of that, I am not cool. I do not enjoy rap or MTV or shooting games or football or basketball or cars or metallica or drugs or any of that. So that leaves me in the category of free-thinking individuals. Alright, that's probably a little harsh. But sometimes I wonder if it's true. Because it seems as if sometimes that so long media fits into this vague list of "cool" things it's automatically liked without any thought processes from the judge.

What I'm trying to get to are a few big questions about the society we live in. Are the idols of society actually morally impressive or even impressive by general, unbiased terms? Is fitting in anything to be proud of anymore? And how do we know?

The best way to compare society's standards to morality and pride is to compare it to a set of standards that are unchanging. Because society's standards are always changing. The N-word used to be perfectly acceptable to society, but today it is a horrible insult. In bathhouses of Victorian England, women were expected to wear cloaks and dresses in the water weighed down by lead pellets to counteract their skirts' buoyancy. Today women are expected to wear bikinis. Society's standards are always changing, and always will be so long as our culture changes.

Where could we go to find an unchanging set of reliable standards then?

Religion. Go to the Old Testament, Go to the New Testament, take out the too religious stuff (he who does not believe in me may not have eternal life), and you'll have a fine set of standards right there to compare to society. So compare, in your own mind, our society to our religious standards.

I did. I wasn't impressed.

Look at our society! Look at what's playing on the radio, what's playing on popular TV channels, what's playing in the movies, what people are listening to, what people are playing. We've got rap, MTV garbage, R-rated movies, more rap, and games like Condemned 2: Bloodshot (total gore fest). So what sort of qualities is this sort of society encouraging? Any good ones?

Which brings me back to a question I asked earlier. Is fitting in anything to be proud of anymore? You'll have to make your own decision.